The Cycle

     The universe is like a great wheel that keeps on spinning. Everything in our reality is part of the cycle. By some kind of miraculous accident, our molecules are put into exactly where they are and we become us. The little us start to interact with everything else that is there. This is life. It is an ephemeral dot in this great cycle. One day, the molecules break apart and our atoms drift further and further away. The tiny pieces of us then float into the boundless sea, seep into the spring soil, become the wings on a honey bee, get carried away to another galaxy, and maybe, just maybe, if we’re really lucky, we might just become a part of another human being! The continuous cycle. We are all part of. 

Medical Update

     Most people are familiar with what cancer is physically. It is the loss of hair, the gaining of weight or the removal of a limb. What many people are unaware of is the emotional aspect of cancer. My blog explores my emotional journey with cancer, as a therapeutic way for me to find a little bit of peace in this world full of chaos. I do still want to update you fully on what is going on physically and medically. I was first diagnosed with stage 4 Ewing’s sarcoma on May 31, 2013 at the Grand River emergency room. Because of the location of the tumor, the doctors at Grand River Hospital were reluctant to do a biopsy due to their lack of experience and equipment. They sent my information to Hamilton in hopes of having more experienced doctors there take care of me. I awaited 2 weeks at home from my initial diagnosis to the biopsy. I can safely say that those two weeks were the most painful time of my life. I had a collapsed vertebrae on my spine which caused unimaginable amount of pain. My left leg was so tormenting that I was bedridden and could not move. I had to have my parents carry me to the bathroom. The only thing that got me through those days was the hope that someday, this was all going to be over. In the middle of June, I was finally admitted to the Juravinski Hospital under an amazing doctor, Dr. Tozer. He started me on an intense chemotherapy regiment that consists of vincristine, doxorubicin, cyclophosphamide, ifosfamide and etoposide. The initial CT scan showed the primary tumor, which was around 9cm x 7cm with metastasis to the pelvic bones, spinal vertebras, rib bones, left humerus and to the left lung. After 2.5 rounds of chemotherapy, the primary tumor shrunk to 5cm x 4cm x 6cm, with the metastasis also shrinking. After another 1.5 rounds of chemo, I did another CT scan and this time, the scan showed that the primary tumor had grown by a centimeter. I spoke to Dr.Tozer and we both came to the conclusion that it was best for me to be transferred to Ottawa to be closer to my family, considering that my time could be limited. At Ottawa, my oncologist became Dr.Verma. After some discussion, we decided to give the chemotherapy another try because this could be my best option. This is why I am currently in the Ottawa General Hospital receiving my 5 day chemo regiment. The word ‘interesting’ could be used to describe my journey, or perhaps ‘terrifying’ or ‘painful’, but I’d rather stick to ‘interesting’. I’ve had to find out what a blood transfusion is, and how it feels to have almost all of mine white blood cells eradicated. For the future, my greatest hope is to not feel the physical pain that I felt during the first two weeks. I don’t think I’m asking for a lot, I just don’t want to be in that much pain anymore. Anyways, I will keep you updated on what goes on medically and hopefully things turn for the better!

The Topic of Death

     Somehow, I’m staring out the big hospital window again. It’s been seven months since wearing the blue hospital gown and entertaining the millions of nurses and doctors who come into my room. So much has changed in the last seven months. The tumor has shrunk, then grown back again. The chemo has worked and then stopped working. I’ve been optimistic about the future and then started to doubt the thought of a happy ending. I’ve hid in the comfort of denial towards the possibility of dying and then come to peace with it. The topic of dying. How sensitive it is. It is not something that I like to think about, but reality demands that I give it some thought. How I feel and my views are beautifully articulated by the following two quotes:

     "To me, what's important about life is the living, not the dying. My role is to live only for a while, not forever. I'm a short strand in a long rope that stretches back to the beginning of life billions of years ago. I automatically have immortality through my being alive and influencing the world and the "rope" as it stretches into the future. The influence of my having lived lasts forever through the impacts I have on other people and on the physical world. I seek no greater immortality than that. I try to make those impacts the best they can be. They are my legacy to the future. As I contemplate my death, I think about how I have influenced the world and how that legacy will live on after I have died."
- Art

     "Death, this being that rides a pale white horse, the clomps and gallops leaving a trail of lightning behind him, and then Death picks up the dying person or animal or baby, the person in pain, the baby that is too tired for this world, and Death brings them to rest in the bosom of Mercy and the gospel asks us mothers and sisters and fathers and sons and brothers and lovelorn and grief-stricken and lonesome — not to weep. And each time I read it, I allow myself to weep. Because when I do that, it’s not the end of something but rather the beginning."