Grey's Anatomy

     So I just read over the three blogs that I've posted and man, I come across as a kindof dark and depressed person. Trust me, I'm not. I guess I had to vent, so I wrote some of my thoughts down. Anyways, here is something different. Since I have so little to do lately, I've officially become a Grey's Anatomy addict (major MerDer fan here!! eeek). I did once want to be a doctor (until the cancer thing came along). There's a song in the 21st episode of the fifth season called Turn And Turn Again by All Thieves that I absolutely love. Here it is!

A Mother's Love

Some of you might know that my mother and I are very very close. She is my best friend, healer, psychologist and so much more. This is for her and all the other mothers out there who is crying for her child. I love you mom.

As a woman who’s right to bear a child has been taken away, I may never truly know what it is like to be a mother, but because of my own mother, I fully understand the meaning of a mother’s love. It is to cry on the inside when her child is suffering, but putting on a brave face so that they can walk through the storm. It is to give unconditionally, but knowing to hold back when her child is ready. It is to push, despite wanting to hold onto her forever. I have seen my mother cry for me, laugh for me and pray for me. She cannot speak of her pain, afraid of giving me pressure, but I can see it through her eyes. My mother is such an incredible woman. She is strong and wise. She has gone through so much in her life, and endured it with such grace and dignity. I want so badly to protect her and provide her with wealth and comfort. I don’t want her to suffer anymore, but she is being tortured because of me. Sometimes, I feel so tired, so exhausted from everything, but I know I cannot give up because of a mother’s love. This love is infinite and boundless. It is what keeps me from letting go and keeps me going. It is what gives me hope and tells me that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Change

     Things have changed so much. Before, I was never still for a second. There were always things to do; tests to review for, projects to finish, buses to catch and people to fight and laugh with. Now, the pace is so much slower and I actually find myself marvelling at the way the snow dazzles under the sun. I see things, things that I was blind to before. I open my eyes in the morning and smile because somehow I still have another day. Yes, there are days when I just want to sit and cry, or yell at anyone who so much as try to bring me a cup of water. But I've realized that the very fact that we exist is a miracle. We are all miracles. My future does indeed look very scary, but isn't that true for everyone? The uncertainty makes it scary. It's scary because for the most part, the future is beyond our control. That's why I live for now, for the present.

Me

     It’s tough. It’s tough at any stage of life. Cancer is something that happens in movies, in the news, maybe to someone that we know, but not to the people that we love, and certainly not us. Before we get it, we think we’re immune to it. We have some special ability to ward it off and gracefully avoid it when we can. As a 19 year old, it was certainly not in my plans. I just finished my first year of university and had just moved into an apartment with friends. I was so excited. In my first year of university, I was preoccupied with school work, so I rarely went out. And when I did, it was to the good old spot on the 13^th floor of Robarts Library. But this was going to change. This year, I was going to have fun. I was going to experience life and be free for the first time in my life. Well, that didn’t exactly happen.

     I was diagnosed with metastasized stage 4 Ewings Sarcoma cancer. Fuck. Now what? I remember being calm in the emergency room when he came in and told me that I had cancer. He then told me that it was all over my body. He started to list off all the places that was sick and that was when I lost it.         

     This can’t be right. I was the basketball player. I was the lifeguard. I was the cross country runner. I was the skier. I was the tall and strong one. This isn’t me. This can’t be me. But it is. I have cancer.